


i hate u, i love u

by shadow_prince



Series: Wolfstar Song Fics [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Flashbacks, I will tear your heart apart and then put it back together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Second War with Voldemort, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Unrequited Tonks/Remus, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 13:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17684273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_prince/pseuds/shadow_prince
Summary: The last time Remus saw Sirius was his back as he stormed out of their flat. Now he's escaped from Azkaban and Remus knows he wants to right what went wrong 12 years ago, if Sirius would only stay in the same room long enough for him to tell him that.





	i hate u, i love u

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics (centered) are from _i hate u, i love u_ by gnash ft. Olivia O'Brien
> 
> You can listen to it here on Youtube:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiQIc7fG9pA
> 
> Or here on Spotify:  
> https://open.spotify.com/track/7vRriwrloYVaoAe3a9wJHe?si=wyZ3Wp64Qe2v0Y5CtEGQ3w

_Feeling used_  
_But I'm still missing you_  
_And I can't see the end of this_  
_Just wanna feel your kiss_  
_Against my lips_

 _And now all this time_  
_Is passing by_  
_But I still can't seem to tell you why_  
_It hurts me every time I see you_  
_Realize how much I need you_

 _I hate you, I love you_  
_I hate that I love you_  
_Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you_  
_I hate you, I love you_  
_I hate that I want you_  
_You want her, you need her_  
_And I'll never be her_

Sirius’ first reaction is to close the gap between them and hug Remus hard against him, but after that he guards himself more closely. The quiet halls of Grimmauld haunt him and leave too much room for thought until he ends up having to spend more nights as a dog than as a man, just to get some sleep. He can’t escape the image of the last time he saw Remus, circling on an endless loop in his head, and hates himself more and more each day for the magnetic pull in his veins toward the rigid steel of Remus’ spine that keeps him going through every day despite the looks Sirius sees others giving him since Snape outed him. Despite the grey at his temples. Despite the new scars he pretends not to notice, littering the skin that Sirius used to have memorised better even than the halls of Hogwarts.

He also pretends not to notice the way Remus keeps shooting him unreadable looks, and Tonks’ eyes linger on Remus in a very readable way, instead retreating further and further into himself and Grimmauld Place. As he sits in the attic, gazing out the small window at the waning moon, Sirius can’t find it in himself to blame him; even if things hadn’t gone to shit 12 years ago, who would choose the shell of a man over the brightest Auror of her time?

 _I miss you when I can't sleep_  
_Or right after coffee_  
_Or right when I can't eat_  
_I miss you in my front seat_  
_Still got sand in my sweaters_  
_From nights we don't remember_

 _Do you miss me like I miss you?_  
_Fucked around and got attached to you_  
_Friends can break your heart too_  
_And I'm always tired but never of you_

Sirius is avoiding him.

Sirius is avoiding him, and it’s _almost_ more painful than the past 12 years spent thinking of him rotting in Azkaban while Remus fidgets with a ring in his pocket. Now, instead of thinking of all the things he wishes he could say but will probably never get the chance, he’s sitting thinking of all the things he wants to say, but doesn’t think Sirius wants to hear. Not that he’s ever in the same room long enough for him to say them anyway.

 

_Remus sighs in exasperation. “Sirius, do you have to be touching me at all times.”_

_“Yes,” Sirius replies as if Remus is thick and the answer the most obvious thing in the world._

_He shakes his head and sighs again. “Needy dog.” The words come out much more affectionate than he intends and punctuated by the way he threads his fingers into Sirius’ long hair where his head rests in his lap. The strands are warm from the spring sun, but Sirius’ pleased hum is even warmer. Remus wants to kiss him, but can’t in this position. “Come here.”_

_Silver eyes open and shine in the morning light. He sits up and climbs into Remus lap, knees on either side of Remus’ thighs and arms bracketing him on the tree he leans against. “I thought I was too close before.”_

_Remus wraps a hand around his neck and pulls him down. “I was wrong,” he whispers, just before he presses his lips to Sirius’. Kissing Sirius is like the first time, everytime, burning him from the inside out, his heart beating so fast he’s sure it will burst from his chest. Even if they have a lifetime together, he’ll never get enough. Sirius is so much, but as Remus licks his way into the other boy’s mouth he knows there is no such thing as too close or too much when it comes to being with him._

 

Remus has never once tried the ring on, never slipped it on a finger to feel the cool weight of it. It would be a comfort that he doesn’t deserve. Instead of fidgeting with it alone, now he’s left touching it in his pocket more frequently than ever, with tentative fingers as he sips his morning coffee and wonders where in the house Sirius is hidden. There’s a multitude of rooms in the large townhouse, magically expanded as far as it could be, and most of them have not had the curses removed that prevent people like _him_ from getting too close.

He’s staring idly into the depths of his coffee as it grows cold, searching answers he knows don’t lie within it, but rather within a dark haired, skin and bones young man, when he hears footsteps approaching. His back straightens, face hopeful, but it’s Tonks who pushes through the french doors, not Sirius. He must visibly deflate because she laughs.

“No, no, don’t get up or excited on my account.”

“Sorry,” he answers sheepishly.

“Not the Black you were hoping for, I know.” There’s the barest trace of bitter longing in her voice that sends a pang of guilt to Remus’ stomach, but he doesn’t want to rehash that conversation, and she isn’t wrong - she’s not the Black he wants.

“Am I that obvious?”

“To everyone except him.”

 _You're still in love with me but your friends don't know_  
_If you wanted me you would just say so_  
_And if I were you, I would never let me go_

 _I don't mean no harm_  
_I just miss you on my arm_  
_Wedding bells were just alarms_  
_Caution tape around my heart_

Remus sits in a too-stiff armchair that he’s drug close to the fireplace, a glass of firewhiskey dangling from his fingertips. He alternates between staring into the flames, and at the condensation gathering on the outside of the glass as the ice melts from the heat.

 

_“What is this?”_

_From his place on one knee, Sirius grins lopsided up at him. “I’m pretty fucking sure it’s a ring.”_

_“But… why?”_

_“Because I want you to be mine, I never want to be without you. We’re practically married already-”_

_“Sirius, we’re in a war.”_

_“Exactly, who knows how much time we have left together? Who knows what tomorrow brings? I want to know you’re mine for every one of them, even if they are few in number.”_

_“This isn’t the time for this.”_

_Sirius frowns. “Who knows if we’ll get a better time. This might be the only chance we have.”_

 

He swallows the last of his drink, throat working around the burning liquid, his limbs languid from the alcohol coursing through his veins.

 

_“This isn’t a fucking joke, and besides you know as well as I do that werewolves can’t marry.”_

_“Remus-”_

_“No, stop it, and put that shit away.” As soon as he says it Remus regrets it. Regrets the way Sirius’ face crumbles, the hurt that laces his features. The way he closes the box and leaves it on the ground, closes his face and emotions off as well. He stands stiffly and dusts his knees off. “Sirius-”_

_“Got it.”_

_Sirius turns sharply, grabbing his jacket off the a hook and out the door before he even puts it on. Remus stands staring at the box on the floor for a long time, before he stoops to pick it up. Popping it open, he sees delicate carvings etched across the surface of ring made of contrasting woods - cypress and spruce, like his and Sirius’ wands._

 

He has spent 12 long years helpless but to wonder what would have happened if he had said yes - if Sirius hadn’t set off for Godric’s Hollow to get away from him, only to find James’ house burned to the ground. If Hagrid hadn’t refused to hand over Harry to him. If he hadn’t already felt like he’d lost everything, and then gone after Peter.

 _You ever wonder what we could have been?_  
_You said you wouldn't and you fucking did_  
_Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix_  
_Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed_

 _Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing_  
_Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance_  
_I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing_  
_But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings_

 _When love and trust are gone_  
_I guess this is moving on_  
_Everyone I do right does me wrong_  
_So every lonely night I sing this song_

Sirius lingers in the doorway, watching the way the fire illuminates Remus’ hair like a halo and remembering all the times this same image in front of a different fireplace caused him to stop short and lose his breath. He hates that he still feels this way, that across all of the time and distance he still loves Remus and that this image still gives him pause. Still wraps a rope around his heart and tugs hard, dragging him against his will and begging him to close the distance between them.

Just to prove to himself that he can be in the same room and keep his cool, he crosses to the china cabinet and plucks out a low ball, purposely choosing one from a different set than the one hanging from those long fingers. He pretends not to see the way Remus startles that he’s in the room, and doesn’t meet Remus’ eyes as he pours from the bottle on the low table next to his chair - his self control only extends _so_ far.

“I wish you’d stay.”

Sirius _almost_ looks up at that, but catches himself just in time. Briefly he wonders if he’s still in Azkaban and the dementors are tormenting him with the most painful images his mind can conjure. Sweat beads on his forehead and he breathes slowly through his nose, smelling the burning wood and grounding himself in the here and now.

Not a lie of his mind then, just a lie of Remus’.

He turns and walks out with his drink, but without acknowledging that the other spoke at all.

 _All alone I watch you watch her_  
_Like she's the only thing you've ever seen_  
_You don't care you never did_  
_You don't give a damn about me_

 _Yeah, all alone I watch you watch her_  
_She is the only thing you ever see_  
_How is it you never notice_  
_That you are slowly killing me?_

Tonks laughs too loud and it grates on Sirius’ ears. Almost as much as seeing the way Remus rolls his eyes at her in exasperation, the same expression on his face that used to be reserved for Sirius and James. That look that only Remus can produce that says _I think you’re an idiot but for some unknown reason I love you nonetheless_ without him having to say it at all. Although, he has said those exact words to Sirius no small number of times.

He is sure that if he has to sit here a moment longer watching the adoring way his beloved cousin is staring at Remus he will choke, and honestly he didn’t survive 12 years of Azkaban, become the first person to escape, and swim all that distance doggy paddle just to die at this godsforsaken meeting.

Moody is still talking, explaining the details of a mission that he’s not allowed to participate in anyway - something about an invasion at the Department of Mysteries - so he only feels slightly guilty instead of properly guilty when he gets up and walks out in the middle of it.

 

_“Merlin I knew you were a ponce, but you’re a right romantic git, aren’t you?”_

_“Oi!” Sirius punches James in the shoulder, lighter than he used to when they were in school, but James doesn’t point it out. He feels like they’re all pulling their punches and their jokes these days. The war hanging heavy over all of their heads and suddenly, even jokingly, no one can find it in themselves to fuck with each other like they used to._

_“He’s going to love it,” James tells him softly, carefully handing the ring back to Sirius._

_“Yeah? You think so?”_

_“Of course. Everyone knows it’s you and Remus until the end of time. Hell, everyone has known it since third year. You drove us all mad dancing around one another, so don’t drag this one out too or I’ll propose to him for you.”_

_James pulls him into a tight hug and Sirius melts into it just a little bit. “And you’ll be my best man the day of?”_

_“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”_

 

Sirius grabs the bottle of firewhiskey from a table as he cuts through the sitting room, not bothering to pause long enough to pick up a glass as well. He’s entirely focused on finding somewhere quiet and alone to drown out the thoughts and memories before they drown him, that he doesn’t hear the quiet footfalls following him until he’s already in the third floor drawing room and turns to close the door behind him, but finds it blocked.

His eyes are wide as he sees it’s Remus who followed him. He takes a step backward, retreating further into the room to put space between them, and he realises that’s all that he’s been doing these days. Retreating to create space, as if doing it enough times will change the way he still feels for the other man.

As if responding directly to his thoughts, Remus takes a step closer and plucks the bottle from his loose finger tips, setting it on a desk nearby before turning back to him. “I’m going to kiss you now, and if you don’t want that, you should tell me.” Remus’ voice is low, but steady, his gaze intense.

“Wrong Black,” he chokes out, the words heavy and vile in his mouth.

Remus, the git, just smiles fondly. “It’s funny, she says the same thing everytime I look up, disappointed when it’s her and not you.”

Sirius doesn’t know what to say to that, so he doesn’t say anything at all. Remus steps closer, hand warm and solid as it cradles the back of his neck, the same way he used to. Sirius doesn’t wait for him to pull him down the way he knows he will, responding purely from muscle memory he’s only slightly ashamed is still intact as he closes the distance.

He kisses Remus cautiously, the barest brush of lips and hardly worthy of the name kiss, and feels the way Remus frowns, lips turning down beneath his and when he pulls back, he sees the pain in those amber eyes. “I’m sorry,” Remus pleads, “I’m so sorry. I was terrified that day, and overwhelmed with the war, and felt like-” Sirius watches as he swallows past the words trapped in his throat. “Why would you want to be stuck with me forever? And we couldn’t marry at the time anyway, it felt like some sick dream, of everything I wanted but couldn’t have being dangled in front of me.”

Tentatively Sirius wipes the tear streaking down Remus’ cheek away with the pad of his thumb. He remembers those days - how could he not? - of not knowing what would come next, of hiding and risking their lives alternatingly. He remembers staying awake late into the night, watching Remus sleep, watching the way the moonlight softened the scars on his face and chest and made him look so much _younger_ than the young they already were.

And he remembers waking up, sunlight streaming through the dirty window to find Remus watching _him._ Remembers the warmth in his gaze and the way he would lean down and kiss Sirius before he was even really awake. The soft press of lips on his eyelids, his neck, his temple.

He leans down and presses a kiss to Remus’ forehead, heart clenching at the choked sob it elicits. The hand on his neck tightens briefly, but then it’s falling away and Remus steps back and Sirius panics that it was all a lie until Remus is sinking to one knee and pulling something from the pocket of his trousers.

“What is that?” Sirius asks faintly.

From his place on one knee, Remus gives him a watery smile, a far cry from the cocky grin Sirius is sure he had given him all those years ago. “I’m pretty fucking sure it’s a ring.”

Sirius is silent as he searches Remus’ face frantically.

“I want you to be mine, I never want to be without you again.”

“We’re in a war,” he murmurs, an echo of Remus’ answer.

The smile Remus gives him this time is equal parts pleased at Sirus playing along, and fearful of just how exactly this reenactment will go. “Exactly, who knows how much time we have left together? Who knows what tomorrow brings? I want to know you’re mine for every one of them, even if they are few in number. Please, Sirius, give me another chance? Marry me?” he asks, and now it’s Sirius who is the one crying.

He never cried in that cell, or in the months since that he’s spent restlessly pacing the silent halls of his ancestral home, and once he starts he isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to stop.

Taking a deep breath, he simply says, “yes.” Because what else is there to say?

Remus slips the ring on his finger and rises from the ground in one fluid motion, and then that hand is back on his neck and dragging him down, kissing him like he’s starving and Sirius responds just as fiercely. He winds his arm around Remus’ waist, pulling him flush against him and tasting the salt of both their tears.

“Fucking. Finally.”

They pull back startled, but Sirius doesn’t let go. Looking over Remus shoulder as the other is forced to twist to see, seemingly, the entire Order standing in the doorway, all smiling at them fondly.

“Don’t you all have a mission to be getting to?” he asks, with a raise of an eyebrow and the feel of Remus’ waist beneath his hands, he discovers that he feels more like himself than he has in years.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts and comments always appreciated <3 thank you for reading!


End file.
